Amusing myself imagining a hilarious scene where Steve feels it is incumbent upon him to give the kids a sex talk bc he thinks Claudia would be too embarrassed, Ted would be too useless, Karen could go either way but he’s not taking chances, he’s not letting anyone who willingly married Neil Hargrove give sex or relationship advice, Hopper would be both too embarrassed and way too overprotective, Joyce might be okay or if she’s not Jonathan would be but it never hurts to reinforce things, the Sinclairs would probably be great but Lucas needs some reinforcement too so he doesn’t let Max steamroll him.
And it would be a mixture of good advice (“the most important thing is that you talk to each other and you build up trust so that you feel safe telling each other when you’re not comfortable or something doesn’t feel good”) and terrible (“if you have sex, you will get pregnant. Yes, Mike, even you. No, El, Mike can’t get pregnant, I promise, I’m sorry, that was confusing. Oh Jesus no the baby wouldn’t come out of his…I’m assuming it’d have to be a c-secti—oh my god what have I done”).
The kids would range from heckling (Max) to mortified (Mike, Will) to avidly taking notes (El, Lucas, Dustin when he wasn’t heckling). (Erica’s got a couple of years before Steve gives her the talk.)
Eddie’s there gleefully handing out condoms and saying things like “no glove, no love, kiddies.”
"Every mistake you can think of making, I have made," Steve says.
Lucas opens his mouth to say something.
"Yes, even that one," Steve says.
Lucas closes his mouth.
"That's because you were a slut," Mike mutters.
"Not how I would have put it, but thank you, Tricycle."
"Oh, come on-"
"Stay stupid shit, get stupid nicknames," Steve says with a shrug.
From behind him, sitting on the top of the couch like a gremlin, Eddie snorts. When Steve shoots him a lighthearted glare, he does a terrible job of sobering up.
God, he loves him.
"I'm not here to be your mother," Steve continues. "I'm not nice enough for that. But I doubt that half of your parents told you anything other than abstinence is best or wear a condom, so that's why I'm doing this."
"Doing what?" Max asks warily.
"Letting you ask me anything you want," Steve says.
Many, many pairs of eyebrows shoot up on the faces of the people scattered all across Steve's living room.
"You're gonna regret this," Eddie pipes up.
"Probably," Steve admits before turning back to face the kids - who really aren't kids anymore. "But you'll regret getting chlamydia more."
"Oh my God, have you-"
"Do you want the answer to that question, Henderson?"
"I want to know," Max says with a shit-eating grin, and yeah.
Steve probably should have expected that.
medstudiees
